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Author Topic: leave the pieces when you go  (Read 226 times)

Description: Attn: Judiah

Offline Shadya al-Sabbah

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leave the pieces when you go
« on: Sep 11, 18, 03:34:24 PM »


Shadya hated crying. She hated it so much that she refused to do it ever again after her parents died. Amira used to say it wasn’t healthy, but what did Amira know? She was always trying to make Shadya talk about her feelings and “accept the things she couldn’t change”. When did acceptance make anyone feel better? Accepting the fact that you got fucked over didn’t make getting fucked over feel any better, did it? No, it didn’t. If Amira was here now, Shadya would want to hear that shit. She’d sit there and listen, because Amira didn’t deserve her fury. Amira would tell her that she was right to be angry at Elenor, but that she couldn’t hold onto that anger if she wanted to live her life to the fullest. Shadya would sigh, roll her eyes, and mumble an agreement. Then they would talk about sex, because Amira hated talking about sex and Shadya liked making her sister blush.

But Amira wasn’t here anymore. Shadya was alone with her thoughts. Soon, that was too dark a place to be.

She got up and searched out Judiah, because something she’d said to Elenor stuck in her mind. Shadya would not be taken for granted. She would not be treated poorly by these long-lived people that she cared for. They would respect her, and her presence in their lives, or they would lose it. When she arrived at Judiah’s room, she knocked on the door and waited. She hoped that the Hayllian wasn’t entertaining someone. The thought immediately made her furious. If she was sleeping with someone else while her Uncle Fin was in Askavi risking his life, the Black Widow would make her (and the unlucky fool she was enjoying) pay for it.

When Judiah invited her in, Shadya entered the room and crossed her arms. She looed at the golden-eyed woman and sighed. She was beautiful. Insanely beautiful. She wanted to kick Fin square in his cock. A woman like this loves you and you leave her behind to find new ways to get yourself killed? Fucking men.

Now she wanted to walk down the street and kick every man she could see in the cock, just because they were going to do something stupid today. For now, she put that thought aside and watched Judiah.

Elenor woke up. I wanted to deliver the message personally. But before you run off, I have a request.

The Court Seer drew herself up to her full height.

When you leave Pruul, I have a right to know. Since Fin decided to go and be male in Askavi, and Elenor is allergic to safety, and Amira…” she took a moment to swallow the sudden lump in her throat.

Since Amira decided to put her calling above her family, I think it’s only fair that you tell me when you plan to leave. Don’t just do it and write me a letter afterward. And don’t hug me and say that you’ll be back when you won’t. I am no child. I can be trusted with the truth.” Sahdya said, her tone sharp.

So when are you leaving? I want to make sure that I’m prepared.


Offline Judiah Vidanic

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Re: leave the pieces when you go
« Reply #1 on: Sep 16, 18, 07:55:09 PM »
Judiah had been a little surprised to have a knock on her door at that hour of the day.  The only person she could think would be coming to find her would have been Elenor but she was…

She was otherwise occupied at the moment.

Judaih tried not to think too much on the current state of things, else she would just get herself upset.  She wished she could just wipe a hand over the whole mess, erase the whole affair as if it never happened.  How wonderful would it be to simply remove anything unpleasant, unfortunate or uncomfortable at your whim.   No, she thought, such power would be too dangerous.  After  all, the whims of other people could be so fickle at time and with the power to simply remove parts of your life...well that would be a powerfully tempting tool to use against even the smallest disagreement.

Rising from her seat, she pulled on a shawl over her bare shoulders and chest.  In the privacy of her own room, she preferred to remain in comfortable and skin baring clothing because Pruul was hot but mostly because she liked the feeling of air on her skin.  Still, she wanted to avoid too much gossip and scandal and answering the door as she was would have been quite the gossip fuel.

She was startled to see Shadya at her door, looking a strong mixture of irritated, furious and… something else.  There was a heaviness to the girl’s features, and Judiah motioned her to enter, shutting the door behind her.   She watched the girl glance around the room before looking at her and felt strangely self conscious about her attire.  She should have grabbed her robe instead of the shawl.  Judiah; who had never felt a second uncomfortable in front of any person naked or clothed, was suddenly aware that perhaps she should be looking more presentable for the niece of the man she loved.

Her arms circling her midriff, she moved over to the sitting area.  News of Elenor made some of the wariness in the air dissipate.  She watched the young Black Widow refuse her offered seat, instead crossing her arms and looking rather defensive. 

“Thank you Shadya for delivering this news, though I am certain someone from the first circle would have gotten around to informing me.  They aren’t all annoyed by my presence,” she said with a little smile on her face.    She had been making some headway in that area but…

The look on Shadya’s face stopped her, her body language so defensive that for a moment Judiah wondered what was going through the witch’s mind.  Had there been something else?  She tried to think of the things she might have done to offended the young woman.  Certainly the only thing that came to mind was her place in all but name as Elenor’s Consort but Shadya had known about that for the last several months of travel.

Her words when they came stung like a blow to the face.  When you leave Pruul.   She hadn’t planned on leaving Pruul, hadn’t even given it another thought even after Fin had left and all the many months of his absence, of the possibility that he might not…

Judiah stiffened and looked up at Shadya, “I’m not. At least, I didn’t think I was but perhaps you might be willing to clarify your reasons to assume I would.”  Her tone was a touch defensive, but the woman had just all but accused her of planning to run off in the night without so much as a word to anyone.   Resentment at that assumption, combined with a multitude of other emotions that she had been keeping bottled up deep within her spilled out in a very uncharacteristic manner.

“Do you think so little of me that you would think that I would just run off and abandon everything?  My word to your uncle first and foremost to remain at the side of his beloved Queen in his absence being only one of many reasons against such an insulting accusation.  Narrowly second would be my promise to keep the two of you…” her voice fell off, hitching in emotion at the knowledge that she had failed in that second promise.  She hadn’t been here for Amira, hadn’t been able to save that sweet young Priestess while she was keeping the first promise.  “Mother Night Shadya, don’t you think for an instant that if I had any intention of leaving you and Fin and Elenor that I couldn’t have simply refused to leave my Villa when we were sojourning in Hayll?  I could have vanished away while you and Elenor were in Askavi.  No, I waited for you to return, with my heart in my throat that the man I love was still alive, was still fighting and would return to his Queen even though I wanted nothing more than to fly over those mountains and fight the whole Eyrien army to be at his side.”

Standing herself now, the courtesan stood taller than the black widow and narrowed her eyes, “If you have something to say to me, say it clearly witchling.  If you want me to be gone from this place then you had been be here to tell me that your uncle is dead and Elenor is dead and you cannot stand the sight of me, but do NOT come here and accuse me of cowardice and desertion.”  And she felt the fury slide down her back, “and how DARE you poison the memory of your sister with such disregard for her sacrifice.  She would be ashamed to hear you speak in such a way over her bravery in such a dangerous time.  Have you bothered to speak to those who were there?  I did!  Did you know her last thoughts were of you and your uncle?  Even as the poison consumed her, all she did was think of those she loved.  She lived honorably, a shining example of what it means to be Sabbah, which is something lacking in great supply in these days.”

A snort of derision echoing her sentiment about those individuals had her turning and reaching for a container on a side table, pouring herself a small portion of liquor before swallowing it quickly as she struggled to pull herself together.





Offline Shadya al-Sabbah

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Re: leave the pieces when you go
« Reply #2 on: Sep 21, 18, 04:31:55 PM »
Shadya knew that she was wrong for taking this tone with Judiah. She knew it the moment she spoke, but the residual anger she felt toward Elenor, Fin, and yes, even Amira, was burning a hole in her chest right now. She felt like she was standing outside of herself, watching her take the surly and aggressive posture that she adopted with nearly everyone else in Pruul and turn it upon a woman who had, in truth, had shown her only kindness. She wanted to yell at herself to stop, to turn and around and leave before she actually did drive Judiah away, but Fin had named her well when he called her Lady Strikes-First.

It was better to leave than be the one left behind.

If she’d expected Judiah to wilt or beg forgiveness, though, the Black Widow learned quickly her mistake.

The hardness in the courtesan’s tone made Shadya flinch, despite her attempt to control the conversation. She recovered quickly, but now Shadya realized her mistake. She’d come into Judiah’s home and insulted not just her honor, but her integrity and her love for Elenor, for Fin, and for even Amira. Truly, it was her words about Amira that drove Shadya back, making her knees weak. She’d heard the stories about her sister’s death. She’d seen her cold, lifeless form. Shadya had no idea how people ever confused the dead for the sleeping. She’d watched Amira sleep a thousand times over the course of their lives, and she knew in a heartbeat that her older sister wasn’t sleeping.

She was just...gone. There was a body where a person used to be.

You are right, Lady Judiah. I was wrong. I...everyone else in my life has either left me to preserve their honor or has attempted to leave in favor of someone else. I merely thought…” Shadya’s voice trailed off. There was really no reason to explain it, was there? People in her life just got up and left her, thinking that she could survive without them. But they were wrong and a part of her hated each of them for telling themselves that she was strong enough to survive without them when she just wasn’t.

Shadya promised herself that she wouldn’t cry again. She hastily wiped away the tears sliding down her cheek as Judiah turned away from her to pour herself a drink.

I apologize for my insult, Judiah. I didn’t meant to drive you away. I usually don’t mean to drive people away, but I’m very good at it, you know?” Shadya said.

But I do not want you to go. Despite my initial words, I would like it if you stayed. Because Amira is gone and Fin is gone. And Elenor is working overtime to give the True Sabbah what they really want, which is her death. And if she dies, then I don’t have a clan anymore. And I’m really scared of what my life looks like when all of the people in it will just forget me after I die. All of you will just go on and on without me and…

“This isn’t your problem. I’ll go.
” Shadya said, turning to leave.

Offline Judiah Vidanic

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Re: leave the pieces when you go
« Reply #3 on: Nov 02, 18, 10:34:58 PM »
Judiah poured herself another glass of drink, throwing it back and feeling the familiar burn as it slid down her throat.  Not enough to get her drunk, not even enough to get her feeling warm and tipsy, but just hard enough that it cut away at the sharper edge of her temper.   She hadn’t meant to verbally slap Shadya so hard, but she had seen the subtle flinch in the girl’s expression when she snapped at her and the hurt and apology in her voice had been genuine.  Judiah swore at herself.  The girl was hurting, probably more than ten times as much as she herself was.  She had lost her parents, her guardian and now her sister.  Judiah had known Fin for only a couple of years, she had known him her whole life and the same with Amira. 

“I’m not leaving,” she said softly, pouring one more glass for herself and a second for Shadya, turning around to look at her. “You aren’t driving me away girl, it takes a lot more than a Spider’s bite to make me run for the hills.”  She gave Shadya a wry smile and reached out with the offered glass.  She saw Shadya’s body begin to turn and scoffed loud enough to be heard.

“Sit down and drink Shadya.  I don’t think there’s enough alcohol in this to get either of us properly drunk as we probably need to be right now but it won’t hurt to dull the sting either,” she said waiting for the Black Widow to take the offered drink before taking one of the sitting chairs that she and Elenor often used when playing cards or having a private dinner.

“A small blessing of the Long Lived, we are often left by others before we even see our first worry lines.  Your uncle could tell you the same if he were here,” she said, shooting back the liquid in her glass before refilling it.  “Or maybe its a curse.  I never spent much time around the shorter lived before coming to Pruul, just the occasional customer passing through Hayll.  Judas’ father, he was short-lived.   Made it much more easier, knowing there was little chance that he would circle around and find out about his son, maybe even take him away.”  Okay, maybe there was a little more potency to this brand of drink.  She was already feeling her tongue loosen.

“Drink.  I am really not in the right mind to think or speak of anything serious right now without a heavy dose of muddle fogging my head and my heart,” she said somberly.  “The last few weeks have been hell on both of us and right now it’s either get blessedly intoxicated or go destroy a few windows in this building and right now I don’t think Onn could stand another disaster that involved anything to do with the Sabbah.”  She gave a little twitch of a smile, leaning forward to rest her arms on the table between them.

“Loss is a part of life little one, a horrible awful part, but at some point we have to face that.  I am sorry you have learned this lesson so much in your short life.  I’m not a Priestess to offer platitudes and relief, quoting texts and psalms about the Darkness and Mother Night and the sweet release of death.  I’m sure I could find someone to offer them if you need to hear that right now, but I’m too sore of heart to be anything less than brutally honest.”   

“We are family Shadya, a strange unofficial formed family between ties of court and ties of the heart.  Until Fin returns, and I have to believe that he will come back, we are all we have with each other.  I can’t make you the promise that I won’t leave, there are things that happen in life that are unavoidable by everyone, but as long as I have the will and the choice, I’m staying here.”  She reached across the table, slipping her hand over the Black Widow’s and squeezing gently.





Offline Shadya al-Sabbah

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Re: leave the pieces when you go
« Reply #4 on: Nov 16, 18, 01:38:04 AM »
Shadya relaxed, some, when Judiah said that it would take more than Shadya’s bluster to send her running away. A little voice in the back of her mind challenged that assertion. What would it take to make you run? Shadya paid it no mind. Judiah was here, right now, and that was all that mattered to the Black Widow. Judiah was hurting just as much as she, if not more. Shadya had many years with Fin, had known him well enough to know that, deep down, he would always sacrifice himself for the people he loved. If the Eyriens hadn’t done it, it would have been the Separatists. If not them, it would have been something else.

Fin al-Sabbah would rather drown in his own blood than allow someone to pass theirs on his behalf.

She sighed and sat down to drink with Judiah. She’d always wondered what the Hayllian Witch kept among her private reserves. She’d had a drink or two during their time in Hayll, but the liquor always burned going down. Shadya wanted to make a joke about burning while going down, but figured this wasn’t the time or the place. She reminded herself, later, to explore that joke and all of the meanings that she could create to make Elenor blush.

She took a drink of the offered liquor and let Judiah speak.

I prefer the honesty, Aunt Judiah. There’s no sense in being coy or gentle. We were left behind. Fin has his reasons. Damn him, they’re even good reasons. But I hate the Eyrien bastards that are keeping him from his family, his home, and his people!” Shadya said, taking another long sip from her drink. She wasn’t going to cry again. She refused. She’d already cried enough in the past two weeks that it would take decades to get back her mystique. Maybe if she gave someone a raging case of water bowel, people would forget what they’d seen.

Judiah said that she wasn’t leaving unless she had to, and placed her hand over Shadya’s. She had a son, she’d said. Shadya could forgive leaving to help her son, or save him. She could even forgive Judiah for leaving if she decided that she’d had enough of the madness. She sighed softly.

I wish I could leave, sometimes. This desert holds nothing for me.” Shadya said. She knew it as a lie the moment the words left her mouth. The deserts would always be her home. She’d felt their pull when they were in Dena Nehele and Hayll. She’d imagined returning home and telling people about the things she’d seen. She’d envisioned giving Amira all of the souvenirs she’d collected to mark her adventures. Now? She had no one to share all of it with. She had no one to tell her stories to.

I miss them.” she whispered, staring down at the table. Her hand squeezed Judiah’s firmly, and Shadya let out a deep sigh.

Is there more of this stuff? Maybe I can’t get drunk tonight, but I can get close enough to fake it. Mother Night knows people around here are too damned depressed to fuck.” she said, holding out her glass.

Offline Judiah Vidanic

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Re: leave the pieces when you go
« Reply #5 on: Dec 01, 18, 11:13:11 PM »
Judiah watched the younger woman down the drink before her and nodded, not in response to anything said but in silent approval that the Black Widow was staying and drinking with her.  She supposed if this were a more classy affair, she might pull out one of the richer drinks, the ones that tasted like liquid sunshine as it slid down your throat and pooled in your stomach.  One was even purposely spelled to shine like liquid gold for that purpose but they were not as strong as the liquor she had poured them.  Most of her wines were for relaxation and sipping.  Tonight, she didn’t want to be relaxed, she just wanted to be numb.

“Aunt Judiah, I like that,” she said with a smile that actually reached her eyes.  It warmed her that Shadya thought of her like that, even though the relationship between her and Fin hadn’t really been defined.  She had liked to think of it as something permanent, or as permanent as it could be.  “Never had any siblings so I never thought I would be an aunt.  Of course, never thought I’d settle for just one man either so,” she said, lifting her glass in a little salute that was meant to finish the rest of her thought.   She gave Shadya an understanding look, though beneath the sympathy burned a rage behind her golden eyes.  “I hate them too.  It’s alright to hate them, given the circumstances.  Personally I hope all their eyries fall off the mountains and crush the lot of them.  Well except your uncle, though a wicked part of me hopes he twists an ankle or something… just because I am a little mad at him.”   She sighed heavily and placed her glass back on the table empty. She wanted more, but she needed to keep a little bit of sense in her brain.

“Leaving wouldn’t make the ache end, wouldn’t stop the hurting.  It would only be waiting for you when you returned and you would return.  You are Sabbah, you are as much a part of Pruul as the sands out there.  Remember, I was with you during Elenor’s little excursion and don’t think I didn’t see some of that homesickness in your face.  I know that look well. I miss Hayll, well...I miss my son, my Girls and I miss my house but I don’t miss the bog that Hayll has become.”

She shifted her hand so that if Shadya wished it, she could slide her fingers and intertwine them with Judiah’s.  “I know you do darling, and that is natural and with time you will still continue to miss them but it won’t hurt as much and then one day, you’ll realize you will think back on Amira and smile and it won’t hurt.  And it is perfectly alright to be mad at her.  I shouldn’t have yelled at you for that.  When someone we love leaves, however they leave us, there is always a sense of betrayal; even if we don’t want to feel it.”

She laughed gently and called over the bottle, refilling both their glasses.  “I only have this one bottle, but once we are stupidly intoxicated, then I can pull out the really good stuff and we can drink it until we are nothing more than helpless lumps on the bed, or until we fall asleep.” Her hand squeezed Shadya’s.  “I know you aren’t a child, but if you want to stay with me tonight for comfort, then I think that will be alright.”   She gave a bright laugh, “Contrary to popular belief, my bed isn’t only for great acts of lewdness or debauchery.  Most nights it’s just Elenor and I enjoying a book or the company of warmth in a large bed.   Even my Girls...and some of my Boys would crawl in beside me because we are in the end social creatures who need to seek out others at times.   Even your uncle,” and she smiled gently, feeling a different sort of warmth spread from her chest, “after a long day of business, would simply lay down and sleep and if he was really tired he would forget to undress, just fall into bed next to me, pull me against his chest and start snoring...ok, he doesn’t snore but when he’s tired he breathes really loudly.”   She gave a conspiratorial laugh and winked at the Black Widow.

“I’m not going anywhere Shadya,” she said firmly and resolutely.  “I’ll be right here at your side whenever and for whatever you need.





Offline Shadya al-Sabbah

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Re: leave the pieces when you go
« Reply #6 on: Dec 06, 18, 12:42:39 AM »
Shadya smiled as Judiah seemed not to take the term of endearment amiss. Shadya had worried that the closeness she felt to Judiah was one-sided, that the courtesan had only tolerated her because of her connection to Fin. It warmed Shadya’s heart to find that she was mistaken. It also tempered her sadness to know that someone else shared it. Shadya and Elenor were not the only ones left behind in the wake of Fin’s decision to leave for Askavi. Her sympathy for Judiah’s plight was greater, however, because Shadya knew that her uncle was not the only one who’d taken a leap of faith on their relationship.

I would kick him in the shins if I could. Maybe even the cock, but probably not. You and Elenor need that.” Shadya said with a little shrug. She sighed and drank her liquor. She felt warm inside, warm enough that the edges of the pain were duller than they had been just moments before.

When we were in Dena Nehele, the only thing I could think about--besides all of the unholy things I wanted to do to Sorinna Roman, that woman--was how much I wanted show Bidea to Amira. I wanted to bring her to Hayll to see your villa, and to the water so that she could learn to swim. I was so focused on everything I wanted to show her that I just took it for granted that she’d be here when I came home.

And she watched everyone in her life leave her behind. She was here, alone, while I was seeing the world.
” Shadya said.

I hate myself for being mad at her. She wasn’t the one who left me. I left her. I know how dangerous Pruul is. I’ve lived here my whole life.” he said.

She laughed at Judiah’s explanation of Fin’s sleep habits. It sounded so strange to her because, until Judiah came along, Shayda and Amira had never seen Fin sleep. Not once. When they were little, they just assumed that he went to be later and woke up early than they. But when they couldn’t spot a single instance of his resting, they tried staying up to find out when he slept.

He always outlasted them.

I would be happy to stay with you tonight. This is no night to be on your own. We can drink and talk. Maybe you can suggest a good book to me. Then I’ll probably fall asleep until I wake up and remember how much the world as changed.” she said.

She smiled at Judiah.

And how much it’s still the same.

~The End~

 

 

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